i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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