just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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