I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
