He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
