Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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