i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
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The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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