I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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