I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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