I wanna bring you to show and tell
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
