Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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