you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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