Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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