I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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