Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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