remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
