And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
