I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
