Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
