i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
