when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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