I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
