You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
