i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize