Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
