i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
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i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
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Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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