the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
