How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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