We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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