Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
