if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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