It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
