Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
