i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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