i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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