He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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