I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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