In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
