"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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