Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
