Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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