this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
