2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
