M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
