had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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