i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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