I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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