Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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