I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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