Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I love you.
Bad choice
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
