Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
