Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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