if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
