as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
