So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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