He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
