There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
